My formal apology to Taylor Swift: A hate letter to the patriarchy

Like many 2000s kids, I grew up listening to Taylor Swift. Her lyrics were G-Rated enough for my mom to play in the car, and the melodies were catchy enough to make me want to sing along. My old iPod only had the music video for her “Mean” (an underrated banger) on it, and I watched the video over and over and over again. I could describe it frame by frame with a fair amount of accuracy to this day. My love for Taylor Swift grew from there. I remember singing along to “22” when I was little, and when her fifth (and criminally underrated) album 1989 came out, my mom and I got the CD and I memorized all of it. My friend and I choreographed a dance to one of the songs (if anybody is wondering it was “Welcome to New York”), and I even had a birthday party where we made our own music video to “Shake It Off.” Taylor Swift was the girly-girl of me and countless others’ childhoods. She wore pretty dresses and fell in love. She wrote songs about her life being a fairytale and I wanted to be the princess too. This all changed in the next year or so, as the media surrounding Taylor Swift became more and more negative, and I began to hate myself and other girls more and more.

I hate to say it, but I never really thought I was “like” other girls. I loathe the joke that’s been made of “I’m not like other girls,” because its a real thing. When girls grow up seeing only one-dimensional stereotypical women represented in media they rebel, because they know that they are so much more than the caricatures they see all around them. This is why so many girls claim that they are not like the other girls- because they know they are far more independent in their interests, clothing, and personality than the media shows them as. But now adult men have caught on and mock the very identity THEY caused, blaming the girl for wanting to be herself and trying to find her identity. It’s another knife adult men use to stab at the spirits of teenage girls. I find it ridiculous that teenage girls are trying to find and express their individuality and genuinely enjoy things, and adult men stomp on it incessantly for absolutely no reason. Maybe it’s because they have their trauma. Or maybe they’re just pricks.

Either way, by the time I reached middle school I hated Taylor Swift. I still have no reason for this hatred other than “somebody told me to.” My feelings about Taylor Swift changed in 2015–2016, the same years the media attacked her relentlessly for a whole lot of reasons — from insults against her songwriting, accusations of white feminism, and let’s not forget whatever the hell happened with Kanye West (who famously interrupted her speech then said that she should sleep with him because he “made her famous”). As an eleven-year-old girl, I heard people and the media say “oh yeah but all of her songs are about her exes,” internalized it, and believed it. I mean they were kinda right weren’t they? None of the cool people liked Taylor Swift- they all thought she was lame, so I should too. It’s a dumb mentality to have, but as an eleven-year-old girl, I believed it. So I moved on.

I started listening to Panic! At The Disco and Twenty-One Pilots and Fall Out Boy and rolled my eyes anytime someone mentioned Taylor Swift. I distinctly remember making fun of a girl for listening to her music. There was nothing wrong with me blasting My Chemical Romance, but I don’t think anybody’s interests should come from a place of hating and avoiding other artists. The fact that I used to hate on other girls so easily just because I thought it would make me fit in more, make boys like me more, is terrifying and sickening.

One of my biggest regrets is not listening to Taylor Swift’s Reputation album when it came out. Maybe I could’ve been a better person sooner. Maybe I would’ve apologized to the other girls I had insulted and offended. Maybe I would’ve been able to see her in concert (yes I’m still bitter we haven’t gotten a tour for Lover). Alas, middle school me was emo and proud. However, this phase (it did turn out to be a phase, Mom) ended around eighth grade when I changed schools and found meaning beyond loving a band to death.

Cut to 2019, I’m sitting in my living room watching Taylor Swift’s documentary Miss Americana and thinking “Oh my god, I’m the worst.” At this point in time, I had been neutral on Taylor Swift. I didn’t hate her, but I didn’t listen to her music. Watching her dissect through all of the fake media scandals, all of the hate created by the patriarchy, made me realize I had screwed up big time. Taylor Swift is an intelligent, honest, talented feminist that I had hated just because the media did too.

This realization (and the self-reflection that followed) revealed how many things I believed and did because of what a patriarchal society had told me I should. That I went with, partially just to be liked more, or just to fit in with others. How many girls I had hated purely out of jealousy or anger towards myself for not being them, or even just liking things I considered girly, like Taylor Swift. In light of her two surprise albums being the best part of 2020, and how amazing she really is despite everything she’s been through, and how the media would want you to see her (I mean seriously look at her fan interactions for five seconds and you will see how nice she is). I think it’s time I apologize to Taylor Swift and those I have ever mocked or insulted for liking Taylor swift or anything I ever considered gross and “too girly” (including the color pink).

So here is my formal apology to Ms. Swift and all of the girly things and people of my childhood internalized misogyny has stolen:

I’m sorry. I genuinely really am. I wish I hadn’t judged all of you so harshly, hadn’t turned my nose up at the girly options, hadn’t loathed the color pink just for the sake of being different. I regret all of the harsh words against Taylor Swift, and Miley Cyrus, and Halsey, and every Disney princess. The men called you evil, slutty, and weak, and I was too young to realize they were just being emasculated a-holes. To the girls in my class who I insulted and was just straight up rude to: I’m sorry. I wish I hadn’t been such a jerk so we could’ve been friends. I hope you’re all doing well. I wish I hadn’t been told that I should view other girls as the enemy, or that girly things were lame. I wish I could’ve had a childhood free of these stupid concerns. These worthless values pushed onto us by adults who were unaware (I hope) of the effect it would have. I desperately wish I didn’t remember my “I’m not like other girls” phase because to me it just translates to “other girls suck and I don’t see anybody like me in the media, so I must be the first of my kind.” (While I’m naming things I wish I could’ve gone to the Reputation tour because it looked like so much fun.)

And Taylor Swift, I sincerely apologize for hating you for so long. You are such a positive influence and talented person. With the upcoming release of the re-recordings of your past albums, I hope a new generation gets to experience just how amazing your music is and can choreograph songs, play dress up and daydream to them just like I did. Hopefully without internalized misogyny getting in the way this time.

Love,

Madi.

P.S. I will cry when the Fearless re-recordings are released and will stop COVID-19 myself if it means we will get a Folklore/Evermore/Lover/Fearless tour. That is all.